12/04

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant.  It would be the fourth pregnancy since I had delivered my fourth living child, three years prior.  I can remember like yesterday the emotions I felt upon discovering that I, once again, had new life within me.  I was excited, which is ALWAYS the initial reaction I have when I am newly pregnant.  I felt hopeful that night, calculated my due date (August 2014), and dreamt of a late-summer baby.  The next morning was a different story.  I woke early, at least an hour before it was time to wake the children for school.  I was scared, terrified.  Positively CERTAIN that I was only on the brink of miscarrying...again...for the fourth time in 16 months.  I did not have any symptoms of miscarriage, but I had scarcely a reason not to, either.  I prayed, I cried, oh, so fervently that day and throughout December (..and throughout pregnancy...and today...).  Funny how different things are today than they were this time last year.  Last December, I spent most days on the couch.  I was sick, but I didn't know if it was from morning sickness or from all of my emotional distress (ie. I cried ALL the time) or if it was from my kids (they passed around the stomach bug s.e.v.e.r.a.l. times last winter).  It was hard.  I did everything I could just to get through each day.  And I did my very best to be cheery for the children--I didn't always succeed, but I gave it my best effort.  I couldn't even discuss the pregnancy with Justin.  It hurt him too much because of what had already happened.  

But.  We made it.  SHE made it.  I have always been so thankful for my children, but nothing makes you hold them closer than the feeling of loss.  I look at my baby now, and still, to this day, I cannot believe she is real.  How do I deserve these precious children?  I clearly do not, but somehow, God has entrusted them to me while here on earth.  I am not worthy...