Not Knowing

So...we are expecting again. It is exciting and beautiful and frightening and stressful and wonderful. I'm feeling pretty good, which is scary. If I don't start getting really sick this week, it's probably safe to say I will lose this baby...at least historically speaking from previous pregnancies. We will see. 

Most of the time, I don't worry about what's going to happen. Three years ago, I "gave" my fertility over to God. We don't avoid or try to prevent pregnancy from occurring, we leave it up to God. Honestly, it's the best decision I've probably ever made. When I was charting for NFP, I always found it stressful. I didn't want to avoid being with my husband simply because we MIGHT get pregnant and that it wasn't the "right" time for a new baby. Now I don't have to think about it at all. If we conceive, then great! If we don't conceive, then great! 

My whole life is in His hands. I've given Him all of my worries, all of my fears...though they keep trying to creep up and overwhelm me. It's only 530am, and I woke up emotional and crying, fearful of losing another child. How will I bear it again? Do I have the strength to lose yet another? I know God is holding me, He knows what is best. He will give me strength to endure whatever happens. I feel selfish and scared. I don't want the violence of miscarriage. This is why I feel selfish--that I think tho way, 'I don't want a miscarriage.' I should be like Mary "Let it be done as YOU say." And most days I do pray like that. But there are dark, dark moments. And this morning is one of them. Our Lady of Guadalupe, St Gerard, St Margaret of Scotland, St Andrew: Pray for us!

12/04

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant.  It would be the fourth pregnancy since I had delivered my fourth living child, three years prior.  I can remember like yesterday the emotions I felt upon discovering that I, once again, had new life within me.  I was excited, which is ALWAYS the initial reaction I have when I am newly pregnant.  I felt hopeful that night, calculated my due date (August 2014), and dreamt of a late-summer baby.  The next morning was a different story.  I woke early, at least an hour before it was time to wake the children for school.  I was scared, terrified.  Positively CERTAIN that I was only on the brink of miscarrying...again...for the fourth time in 16 months.  I did not have any symptoms of miscarriage, but I had scarcely a reason not to, either.  I prayed, I cried, oh, so fervently that day and throughout December (..and throughout pregnancy...and today...).  Funny how different things are today than they were this time last year.  Last December, I spent most days on the couch.  I was sick, but I didn't know if it was from morning sickness or from all of my emotional distress (ie. I cried ALL the time) or if it was from my kids (they passed around the stomach bug s.e.v.e.r.a.l. times last winter).  It was hard.  I did everything I could just to get through each day.  And I did my very best to be cheery for the children--I didn't always succeed, but I gave it my best effort.  I couldn't even discuss the pregnancy with Justin.  It hurt him too much because of what had already happened.  

But.  We made it.  SHE made it.  I have always been so thankful for my children, but nothing makes you hold them closer than the feeling of loss.  I look at my baby now, and still, to this day, I cannot believe she is real.  How do I deserve these precious children?  I clearly do not, but somehow, God has entrusted them to me while here on earth.  I am not worthy...    

Remembrance Day

Today is the day set aside to remember babies lost to miscarriage, still birth, and infant loss.  I should say that it is a day that Ronald Reagan declared back in 1988 for our nation to remember those babies.  Everyday is remembrance day for me.  I don't dwell on it, but I think of my babies each and every single day.  They are on my heart in everything I do.  I love them, and still thank God for them.  And, at times, I still cry for them.

While I was pregnant with Mila, all I could think about was miscarriage...but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about.  Our third angel baby still remains unnamed. Mostly because after I miscarried him/her, I was so distraught, I could not think of a name.  Then I got pregnant again, and I couldn't bear to speak of miscarriage.  I think we will eventually name our baby...eventually.  But for now, each day, as I think of my little Ezra, Susanna, and Baby3, I thank God for His gifts.  I am so unworthy of these precious souls--even the ones I never held in my arms.  I love them, I mourn them, I am grateful for them.  Thank you God, for letting me be their mommy. Thank you for loving me that much.

love lives on

I never thought much about getting a tattoo in the past.  I don't have a problem with them, but I never thought of anything in particular that I'd especially like to have drawn on me...forever.  However, I have seriously been considering a tattoo to memorialize my babies since I lost my third angel last summer.  I googled different ideas, and apparently a miscarriage tattoo is not too unheard of.  Most of the ideas I saw were babies with angel wings, foot prints, etc.  Then I saw someone on a forum had mentioned they were getting a dandelion with the seeds blowing in the wind, representing her lost babies.  There was no pic posted, so I googled dandelion tattoos...and the image above popped up.  I followed the link to the original site, and it was actually a tattoo a woman had gotten after her divorce.  This is similar to what I would like to get eventually, but maybe with just three little fluttering seeds in the wind.  I like how she put 'love lives on' underneath. Actually, seeing this brought tears to my eyes.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, love them, and remember them.  I read once that a woman who had miscarried many times had pictured her children in Heaven like they were running though a field of flowers, laughing, and having so much fun they did not notice she was not yet there with them. And that when she finally did join them in Heaven, they would look back at her, and she would catch up to them in that field of flowers. I think that is a beautiful image...and again, I can't think of that without having tears spill down my cheeks. It's amazing how raw the emotion is, all these months later.  Thank you God, for ALL of my babies.  I know one day I will be with them all.

Hard Feelings

It's been a rollercoaster of a year for me, with regard to my fertility.  Who knew that after four healthy, uneventful pregnancies, I would suffer so much loss.  When I think back to my fifth pregnancy ( the one that would result in my first-ever miscarried baby), I have many different emotions.  It was the last pregnancy that I had (or will ever have) feelings of excitement and not a trace of worry about whether it would result in a new life brought home from the hospital.  I was so shocked, so completely unprepared for that miscarriage.  Not to say that you can ever really be "prepared" for one to occur, but it was the one that felt like such a "sucker-punch." I never expected it.  I had taken all of my healthy pregnancies for granted, and even though I like to think that I do not have the mind-set, as a mother that I "know it all," due to having a few kids, subconsciously I did think I knew it all when it came to my body and pregnancy. Such a foolish notion.

It was a rough Advent/Christmas season in a way.  I have now been through the first anniversary of my second miscarried baby, Susanna (lost 12/26/11).  I have also now lived through yet another unfulfilled due date (12/27/12).  I am wondering about what December 2013 will bring. Will I be dreading it for yet another reason (I found out I was pregnant 12/04/12), or will we be celebrating the lives of five living children and just three in Heaven?  I am trying not to let myself think of it.  Right now my goal is focusing on one day at a time.  Sometimes that is really, really easy to do.  Other times it could not be harder.

But on a positive note, and this is what I try to think about when I am alone in my own dark thoughts, I really have been given so much.  I have more than so many.  I am mother to eight (EIGHT!!!) beautiful souls. No matter what happens in this life, I am one blessed mama.  My heart aches to hold the children I never met.  It fears whatever losses the future may hold.  But it is eternally grateful for what God has given me.  The word 'grateful' doesn't actually even do justice for what I really feel.  I am so unworthy of all of my blessings, but thankful for God's plan.  Though my tears may be plentiful at times, even in my deepest sorrow, He is with me.  There is nothing more I need.

Tears of Constant Worry

As of today I am 5w6d pregnant.  I am filled with anxiety.  Everyday I wake up with the same thought--'you are going to lose this baby, too.'  I am scared out of my mind, and I can't think of anything else.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and I am dreading it with all of my heart and soul.  I can't take another loss.  Mentally, it might be the end of me.  I don't feel strong at all right now, just a huge puddle of nerves.  About 4pm yesterday, a nurse from Elwood called me and said that the doctor there would see me for progesterone support, and that I should just come in and pick up some forms to fill out to get an appointment.  I said 'okay' and hung up.  She called at the worst possible time, because I wasn't thinking at all.  The kids had just gotten home from school, I was in the middle of prepping dinner and mediating an argument between two of them.  In my right mind, I might have asked the nurse to send me the papers, or to tell her that I need help RIGHT NOW, because I haven't made it past six weeks in the past three pregnancies.  But I couldn't think.  All I could say was 'okay.'  At this point, I feel like it's too late.  I won't be able to call that office until Monday.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday anyway, so I may as well wait until then to see if my baby is even still alive.  I feel out of hope.  I was so excited when I saw the positive pregnancy test. So hopeful that this baby might make it.  Now I feel like I was only ignoring the inevitable.   This is the heaviest cross I have ever had to carry, and I have to admit--I am not carrying it well at all.

45 minutes later....

So, as I was typing the above passage, my youngest child came running into the living room, throwing up.  It's amazing how caring for your babies makes you forget everything else but just that-caring for your babies.  I cleaned him up, set up a little bed on the couch next to me, cleaned up the puke in the living room, and called into work.  I was supposed to be there at 5am today.  The thing is, Justin is also supposed to work, and my brother was coming over at 730am to watch the kids.  Obviously it would be unfair to leave Matthew to deal with a puking child.  Not that he wouldn't--I know he absolutely would if I asked him to do so, but I also think I need to be here with my child.  So I went from not being able to sleep at 1am because of worry over my unborn baby to not sleeping so I can take care of my youngest living baby.  Not a complaint in the least.  I really needed the extra snuggles that I am getting right now.

Pregnant

I just found out last night that I am pregnant again.  I am thrilled to be mama to another tiny soul, thanks be to God!!  I am trying not to be terrified, trying to offer it all up to God.  Being scared is offensive to Him, and more than anything, I do not want to offend.  My last three babies only made it to 6-7 weeks.  This means that I may not have much time with this baby, but I am going to love it with all my heart and soul -- I do already.  Please, please God, if it is your will, let me have a healthy pregnancy and birth.  I cannot think ahead of today, but I am rejoicing the gift He has given me.  And, if He decides to do so, I will be blessed with a beautiful new baby in August!