Tears of Constant Worry

As of today I am 5w6d pregnant.  I am filled with anxiety.  Everyday I wake up with the same thought--'you are going to lose this baby, too.'  I am scared out of my mind, and I can't think of anything else.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and I am dreading it with all of my heart and soul.  I can't take another loss.  Mentally, it might be the end of me.  I don't feel strong at all right now, just a huge puddle of nerves.  About 4pm yesterday, a nurse from Elwood called me and said that the doctor there would see me for progesterone support, and that I should just come in and pick up some forms to fill out to get an appointment.  I said 'okay' and hung up.  She called at the worst possible time, because I wasn't thinking at all.  The kids had just gotten home from school, I was in the middle of prepping dinner and mediating an argument between two of them.  In my right mind, I might have asked the nurse to send me the papers, or to tell her that I need help RIGHT NOW, because I haven't made it past six weeks in the past three pregnancies.  But I couldn't think.  All I could say was 'okay.'  At this point, I feel like it's too late.  I won't be able to call that office until Monday.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday anyway, so I may as well wait until then to see if my baby is even still alive.  I feel out of hope.  I was so excited when I saw the positive pregnancy test. So hopeful that this baby might make it.  Now I feel like I was only ignoring the inevitable.   This is the heaviest cross I have ever had to carry, and I have to admit--I am not carrying it well at all.

45 minutes later....

So, as I was typing the above passage, my youngest child came running into the living room, throwing up.  It's amazing how caring for your babies makes you forget everything else but just that-caring for your babies.  I cleaned him up, set up a little bed on the couch next to me, cleaned up the puke in the living room, and called into work.  I was supposed to be there at 5am today.  The thing is, Justin is also supposed to work, and my brother was coming over at 730am to watch the kids.  Obviously it would be unfair to leave Matthew to deal with a puking child.  Not that he wouldn't--I know he absolutely would if I asked him to do so, but I also think I need to be here with my child.  So I went from not being able to sleep at 1am because of worry over my unborn baby to not sleeping so I can take care of my youngest living baby.  Not a complaint in the least.  I really needed the extra snuggles that I am getting right now.