Tomorrow

Tomorrow (Wed)  will be one week since I miscarried for the third time - my seventh child. I am still bleeding, and I hope it will stop soon, as Friday will actually mark two weeks since the bleeding began.  I think the only way that I have coped with this loss is living in a state of pure denial.  I don't think about it, and when I do, I quickly try and distract myself.  Denial, unhealthy as it may be, is the only way I can cope right now.  If I hash it out too much in my mind, I will fall apart.  I can't fall apart.  I have used the Scarlett O'Hara motto - "...I'll think about it tomorrow"-whenever tomorrow may be, God only knows.  I am swallowing the hurt, swallowing the pain.  I'll deal with it later.  I loved you baby, my dear baby who was due on December 27th.  But I cannot mourn you right now, because if I do, that means I have to admit that the nightmare of losing you is real.

Release

I decided to make a separate blog on the subject of miscarriage.  Just this week, I endured another, my third consecutive one in just ten months.  My heart is broken, yet I feel numb.  I no longer wish to discuss it in great length on my family blog because I do not want anyone to get the wrong picture of me.  A lot of times, when people complain, one can be perceived as being ungrateful, or not fully enjoying the blessings God has given.  That is not the case for me at all.  I love the life I am living.  I am ever so grateful  for everything that God has given to me, everything He has not given me, and everything He has taken away.  I know that He knows best.  My goal for this blog is three fold: primarily to release my thoughts and emotions on the losses of my children, serve as a remembrance of my children, and to give a voice to anyone "like me" who has gone through this.  What I mean by that, is, it seems as though any forum I have gone to online on the subject of miscarriage, there are no mothers there like me.  It typically consists of first or second time mothers, wanting so badly to grow their families.  I almost feel selfish when I read their posts.  I have FOUR.  I have so much, yet some have so little.  It almost makes me feel guilty for wanting more, for mourning the loss of each baby.  I should not feel that way.  I am sure there are others like me, moms who have multiple children - healthy pregnancies- yet are suddenly struck with recurrent miscarriage.  I love all of my babies, those here on earth, and those waiting on me in Heaven.