Tomorrow

Tomorrow (Wed)  will be one week since I miscarried for the third time - my seventh child. I am still bleeding, and I hope it will stop soon, as Friday will actually mark two weeks since the bleeding began.  I think the only way that I have coped with this loss is living in a state of pure denial.  I don't think about it, and when I do, I quickly try and distract myself.  Denial, unhealthy as it may be, is the only way I can cope right now.  If I hash it out too much in my mind, I will fall apart.  I can't fall apart.  I have used the Scarlett O'Hara motto - "...I'll think about it tomorrow"-whenever tomorrow may be, God only knows.  I am swallowing the hurt, swallowing the pain.  I'll deal with it later.  I loved you baby, my dear baby who was due on December 27th.  But I cannot mourn you right now, because if I do, that means I have to admit that the nightmare of losing you is real.