Sometimes Ups Outnumber the Downs

What started out as a good day has sort of tumbled into a hard one.  I got up early, fixed the schoolkids' lunches, and woke all the children.  Everyone had breakfast and got ready in a timely manner- yay!  Today is Friday, which means All School Mass at school at 815.  I took the big kids to school, came home, quickly got myself ready, and the little kids and I left the house the same time as Justin.

Mass ended, and I knelt and "said a little something to Jesus" as Chiara says.  As I was beginning to stand back up, one of Chiara's classmate's grandmother came up and said hello.  She is a very sweet lady who has always been very friendly to us, and I just love her.  Then she said to me, "How wonderful!  I didn't know you are expecting a baby!"

I told her that, no, there is no baby.  I am just overweight from the three incompleted pregnancies I have had in the last year.  (Not to mention from physical inactiveness, emotional eating, and a general sense of just not caring.) Of course she felt very bad immediately. She apologized over and over, and hugged me probably ten times.  She told me how much she just loves our family, and she was so sorry.  I told her it was okay, that I am fine.

But then I started to get teary eyed.

I am NOT fine.

I cannot handle an unexpected discussion related to my lost babies.

I managed to get to the van.

And I cried silently the whole way home.

Sometimes I wonder, do I have a sense of peace, or am I just in denial?  Or is it both?  I just wasn't expecting the emotional breakdown I had this morning,which has extended to what is now almost noon.  I haven't had the energy or desire now to do the chores, etc I need to complete because of it.

I need to lose weight.  NOW.  At least then no one would think I was pregnant because I look it.  Then there would be no confusion.

Off to a better day.  It's nice to let the feelings out.

It's been quite awhile since I have posted, though I have much to say.  However...I am lacking time right now!  I can't seem to find time or reason enough to hang out at the computer with the busy-ness of life.

I made it through the first anniversary of my first miscarriage on August 13th.  It wasn't a sad day for me, though it truly was bittersweet.  I thought of my baby, and how he would have been about four months old, had he made it.  I thanked God for the precious few weeks we had him on earth, in my womb.  The only time I will ever hold him in this life.  I am proud to be his mother, and I will always love him.

I also remembered the sorrow I felt that day, one year ago.  The feeling of utter powerlessness.  The incredible shock-sucker punch I felt when it all happened.  How the sun was shining beautifully, and I couldn't help but hate the sun that day when all I felt was a ravaging storm inside. My life changed completely then.  I am the same, but am also a different person now.  there will never be any going back.

And though it's painful, I know that it is God's Will, and I am at peace with that fact.  I thought I didn't take life for granted before, that I didn't take the people I love for granted, but I think I was wrong.  It feels different now.  I feel less stressed and worried about the little details, and I think that is because I more fully understand how very precious life is.  Everyday is different, but for the most part life is just so good.  I would never take back the loss of any baby, as hard as it is.  I am overjoyed at the thought of meeting them again.  And the pain has made me stronger. It's changed me in some ways, but such is life.

Thank you, God, for letting me live my life.