Tears of Constant Worry

As of today I am 5w6d pregnant.  I am filled with anxiety.  Everyday I wake up with the same thought--'you are going to lose this baby, too.'  I am scared out of my mind, and I can't think of anything else.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and I am dreading it with all of my heart and soul.  I can't take another loss.  Mentally, it might be the end of me.  I don't feel strong at all right now, just a huge puddle of nerves.  About 4pm yesterday, a nurse from Elwood called me and said that the doctor there would see me for progesterone support, and that I should just come in and pick up some forms to fill out to get an appointment.  I said 'okay' and hung up.  She called at the worst possible time, because I wasn't thinking at all.  The kids had just gotten home from school, I was in the middle of prepping dinner and mediating an argument between two of them.  In my right mind, I might have asked the nurse to send me the papers, or to tell her that I need help RIGHT NOW, because I haven't made it past six weeks in the past three pregnancies.  But I couldn't think.  All I could say was 'okay.'  At this point, I feel like it's too late.  I won't be able to call that office until Monday.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday anyway, so I may as well wait until then to see if my baby is even still alive.  I feel out of hope.  I was so excited when I saw the positive pregnancy test. So hopeful that this baby might make it.  Now I feel like I was only ignoring the inevitable.   This is the heaviest cross I have ever had to carry, and I have to admit--I am not carrying it well at all.

45 minutes later....

So, as I was typing the above passage, my youngest child came running into the living room, throwing up.  It's amazing how caring for your babies makes you forget everything else but just that-caring for your babies.  I cleaned him up, set up a little bed on the couch next to me, cleaned up the puke in the living room, and called into work.  I was supposed to be there at 5am today.  The thing is, Justin is also supposed to work, and my brother was coming over at 730am to watch the kids.  Obviously it would be unfair to leave Matthew to deal with a puking child.  Not that he wouldn't--I know he absolutely would if I asked him to do so, but I also think I need to be here with my child.  So I went from not being able to sleep at 1am because of worry over my unborn baby to not sleeping so I can take care of my youngest living baby.  Not a complaint in the least.  I really needed the extra snuggles that I am getting right now.

Pregnant

I just found out last night that I am pregnant again.  I am thrilled to be mama to another tiny soul, thanks be to God!!  I am trying not to be terrified, trying to offer it all up to God.  Being scared is offensive to Him, and more than anything, I do not want to offend.  My last three babies only made it to 6-7 weeks.  This means that I may not have much time with this baby, but I am going to love it with all my heart and soul -- I do already.  Please, please God, if it is your will, let me have a healthy pregnancy and birth.  I cannot think ahead of today, but I am rejoicing the gift He has given me.  And, if He decides to do so, I will be blessed with a beautiful new baby in August!

The Advent season is now upon us.  Normally, I am ecstatic for this and the Christmas season.  Not so much this year.  Last year, I spent Advent being in the throes of morning sickness.  I was happy to be sick, I thought it meant I would make it through the pregnancy holding a new, healthy baby in July.  Instead, I spent Christmas Day bleeding and bitterly weeping at the impending loss of another child.  I remember on December 27th, wanting so desperately to take the tree down, and pack away all of the decorations in the attic.  I wished for Spring, and warmer weather, so that I could forget the cold season of being excited for new life, and then heartbroken over it.  But, I cannot forget.  I will not forget.  And...I don't want to forget.  But, I cannot deny the reluctance I have in being joyous. I lost a child last December.  I was also pregnant earlier this year, due on December 27th, which also makes it harder.

However, I know that God has a plan.  I have not turned away from Him, in fact I think all of my losses have only increased my love and devotion to Him.  I am blessed beyond measure, and for that, I am thankful.  It is my own humanly feeling of suffering that brings me down.  I rejoice in the Lord, and I know He is carrying me, even in my weakest moments.  It's hard. It SUCKS.  But, this is my cross to bear.  I will carry it.  Thy will be done, O Lord.  Thy will be done.