The Advent season is now upon us.  Normally, I am ecstatic for this and the Christmas season.  Not so much this year.  Last year, I spent Advent being in the throes of morning sickness.  I was happy to be sick, I thought it meant I would make it through the pregnancy holding a new, healthy baby in July.  Instead, I spent Christmas Day bleeding and bitterly weeping at the impending loss of another child.  I remember on December 27th, wanting so desperately to take the tree down, and pack away all of the decorations in the attic.  I wished for Spring, and warmer weather, so that I could forget the cold season of being excited for new life, and then heartbroken over it.  But, I cannot forget.  I will not forget.  And...I don't want to forget.  But, I cannot deny the reluctance I have in being joyous. I lost a child last December.  I was also pregnant earlier this year, due on December 27th, which also makes it harder.

However, I know that God has a plan.  I have not turned away from Him, in fact I think all of my losses have only increased my love and devotion to Him.  I am blessed beyond measure, and for that, I am thankful.  It is my own humanly feeling of suffering that brings me down.  I rejoice in the Lord, and I know He is carrying me, even in my weakest moments.  It's hard. It SUCKS.  But, this is my cross to bear.  I will carry it.  Thy will be done, O Lord.  Thy will be done.