So, I have officially stopped bleeding. Finally. I went through a month of bleeding, then not, bleeding, then not (and I am talking about bleeding post passing of the baby). It really drags the whole miscarriage on and on. Like putting a band-aid on and then ripping it off again repeatedly on a fresh wound. I had a follow-up appointment with the doctor last week, and he said that it was most likely due to remaining pregnancy hormones, as I had no infection, which is really good.
So now, I finally feel a little sense of relief, in a weird way, now that the bleeding is over.
And I am doing really well. I have been praying for Grace to accept God's Will, and He has really come through for me. Of course I have rough days, emotional times. But overall, I have to say, He has given me the Grace to be very strong, and I think I have dealt with this miscarriage in a much stronger way than the previous two. I am ever so thankful for that, because it is so hard sometimes. Our God is so amazing, and I feel so unworthy, but so very grateful for His love.
26 July 2012
11 July 2012
Over You
This song by Miranda Lambert came out right around the time I miscarried the second time. I lost her on December 26th, after a joyful Advent season of dreaming of her impending July birth. But all of that joy was ripped away from me. I can't hear this song without crying, yet I still feel like it is a little tribute to my baby, Susanna. The one sentence in parentheses is my own interpretation of the lyric.
"Over You"
Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place (Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who this has happened to)
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone
Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
09 July 2012
A Little Bit Stronger
I've always been the type of person who identifies with certain songs that match up with times or situations in my life. One song that has stuck with me since August is Sara Evans' "Stronger." SOmetimes I would sing it to myself at work early in the morning. It was the hardest part of the day coming in at 5am and being by myself for a couple of hours. There is no radio, no one to talk to. I'd be left alone in my thoughts, which was not always the best thing. When I would feel myself start to become overcome with pain, I would hum this to myself. It really helped. The writing in parentheses is my own interpretation of the line. The crossed out lyrics are ones that don't apply to me.
"A Little Bit Stronger"
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out, (meaning, I'm done hoping for this baby to live)
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
And ohhh
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm busy getting stronger.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
Physical Healing
I don't know yet if my body has healed from my latest miscarriage. Here's the timeline:
June 4th- Doctor appointment. No heartbeat found. Ultrasound showed a beautiful 6wk baby with no life. Should have been 10wks along. Opt for natural miscarriage as opposed to immediate D&C.
June 9th-Bleeding begins.
June 13th-Have terrible cramps/contractions. Gushing bleeding. It's the most physically painful experience I have had from miscarriages to date. Almost think I will pass out from the pain...I pass the baby. Beautiful, perfect baby.
June 27th-Stop bleeding.
June29th-A nurse calls to check on me, which is funny because I had just been thinking that they must not care what happens to me, as I had not heard from the doctor since my Jun 4th appt. I tell the nurse I bled for two weeks, and appear to be fine.
June 30th-I start bleeding AGAIN. wth?
July 2nd-Wake up and no blood or spotting at all. Okay....
July 4th-Start bleeding again that afternoon.
July 5th-No blood.
July 6th-present-HEAVY bleeding.
I don't know what is going on. The longest I have gone without bleeding is three days. Then it starts. Then it stops. So today I am going to call the doctor. The most stressful part of this is I don't know how the heck I will get in to get checked. Unless someone has stumbled upon this blog, none of my family and friends know I was even pregnant-Justin and I kept it to ourselves. So...it will be tricky trying to get someone to watch the kids. What do I say? 'Oh, can you watch the kids so I can go to the doctor? No, I'm not pregnant, just lost yet another baby.' And to even find someone to watch the kids at all will be a mess. Justin surely cannot take off work, and my mom and inlaws work all week. Ugh. Why couldn't my body just fix itself naturally, like it did with the other two? Isn't it enough that I have to even go through this, and now I have to go through the headache of trying to get to the doctor again? And I just feel like I cannot even move on until I start bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom and see the blood, it's almost like my body is saying,'Hey there, uh...just in case you had a few moments when you didn't think about the baby that you're supposed to be carrying right now, here's a reminder that there will be no new baby in December.'
So, yeah...I'm a bit stressed out about the bleeding situation. If only that would clear up, it would make things easier. Obviously the emotional pain I have to live with for the rest of my life. But if my body would just heal physically, that would really be a blessing, not to mention one less thing to worry about.
June 4th- Doctor appointment. No heartbeat found. Ultrasound showed a beautiful 6wk baby with no life. Should have been 10wks along. Opt for natural miscarriage as opposed to immediate D&C.
June 9th-Bleeding begins.
June 13th-Have terrible cramps/contractions. Gushing bleeding. It's the most physically painful experience I have had from miscarriages to date. Almost think I will pass out from the pain...I pass the baby. Beautiful, perfect baby.
June 27th-Stop bleeding.
June29th-A nurse calls to check on me, which is funny because I had just been thinking that they must not care what happens to me, as I had not heard from the doctor since my Jun 4th appt. I tell the nurse I bled for two weeks, and appear to be fine.
June 30th-I start bleeding AGAIN. wth?
July 2nd-Wake up and no blood or spotting at all. Okay....
July 4th-Start bleeding again that afternoon.
July 5th-No blood.
July 6th-present-HEAVY bleeding.
I don't know what is going on. The longest I have gone without bleeding is three days. Then it starts. Then it stops. So today I am going to call the doctor. The most stressful part of this is I don't know how the heck I will get in to get checked. Unless someone has stumbled upon this blog, none of my family and friends know I was even pregnant-Justin and I kept it to ourselves. So...it will be tricky trying to get someone to watch the kids. What do I say? 'Oh, can you watch the kids so I can go to the doctor? No, I'm not pregnant, just lost yet another baby.' And to even find someone to watch the kids at all will be a mess. Justin surely cannot take off work, and my mom and inlaws work all week. Ugh. Why couldn't my body just fix itself naturally, like it did with the other two? Isn't it enough that I have to even go through this, and now I have to go through the headache of trying to get to the doctor again? And I just feel like I cannot even move on until I start bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom and see the blood, it's almost like my body is saying,'Hey there, uh...just in case you had a few moments when you didn't think about the baby that you're supposed to be carrying right now, here's a reminder that there will be no new baby in December.'
So, yeah...I'm a bit stressed out about the bleeding situation. If only that would clear up, it would make things easier. Obviously the emotional pain I have to live with for the rest of my life. But if my body would just heal physically, that would really be a blessing, not to mention one less thing to worry about.
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