Sometimes Ups Outnumber the Downs

What started out as a good day has sort of tumbled into a hard one.  I got up early, fixed the schoolkids' lunches, and woke all the children.  Everyone had breakfast and got ready in a timely manner- yay!  Today is Friday, which means All School Mass at school at 815.  I took the big kids to school, came home, quickly got myself ready, and the little kids and I left the house the same time as Justin.

Mass ended, and I knelt and "said a little something to Jesus" as Chiara says.  As I was beginning to stand back up, one of Chiara's classmate's grandmother came up and said hello.  She is a very sweet lady who has always been very friendly to us, and I just love her.  Then she said to me, "How wonderful!  I didn't know you are expecting a baby!"

I told her that, no, there is no baby.  I am just overweight from the three incompleted pregnancies I have had in the last year.  (Not to mention from physical inactiveness, emotional eating, and a general sense of just not caring.) Of course she felt very bad immediately. She apologized over and over, and hugged me probably ten times.  She told me how much she just loves our family, and she was so sorry.  I told her it was okay, that I am fine.

But then I started to get teary eyed.

I am NOT fine.

I cannot handle an unexpected discussion related to my lost babies.

I managed to get to the van.

And I cried silently the whole way home.

Sometimes I wonder, do I have a sense of peace, or am I just in denial?  Or is it both?  I just wasn't expecting the emotional breakdown I had this morning,which has extended to what is now almost noon.  I haven't had the energy or desire now to do the chores, etc I need to complete because of it.

I need to lose weight.  NOW.  At least then no one would think I was pregnant because I look it.  Then there would be no confusion.

Off to a better day.  It's nice to let the feelings out.