Hard Feelings

It's been a rollercoaster of a year for me, with regard to my fertility.  Who knew that after four healthy, uneventful pregnancies, I would suffer so much loss.  When I think back to my fifth pregnancy ( the one that would result in my first-ever miscarried baby), I have many different emotions.  It was the last pregnancy that I had (or will ever have) feelings of excitement and not a trace of worry about whether it would result in a new life brought home from the hospital.  I was so shocked, so completely unprepared for that miscarriage.  Not to say that you can ever really be "prepared" for one to occur, but it was the one that felt like such a "sucker-punch." I never expected it.  I had taken all of my healthy pregnancies for granted, and even though I like to think that I do not have the mind-set, as a mother that I "know it all," due to having a few kids, subconsciously I did think I knew it all when it came to my body and pregnancy. Such a foolish notion.

It was a rough Advent/Christmas season in a way.  I have now been through the first anniversary of my second miscarried baby, Susanna (lost 12/26/11).  I have also now lived through yet another unfulfilled due date (12/27/12).  I am wondering about what December 2013 will bring. Will I be dreading it for yet another reason (I found out I was pregnant 12/04/12), or will we be celebrating the lives of five living children and just three in Heaven?  I am trying not to let myself think of it.  Right now my goal is focusing on one day at a time.  Sometimes that is really, really easy to do.  Other times it could not be harder.

But on a positive note, and this is what I try to think about when I am alone in my own dark thoughts, I really have been given so much.  I have more than so many.  I am mother to eight (EIGHT!!!) beautiful souls. No matter what happens in this life, I am one blessed mama.  My heart aches to hold the children I never met.  It fears whatever losses the future may hold.  But it is eternally grateful for what God has given me.  The word 'grateful' doesn't actually even do justice for what I really feel.  I am so unworthy of all of my blessings, but thankful for God's plan.  Though my tears may be plentiful at times, even in my deepest sorrow, He is with me.  There is nothing more I need.

Tears of Constant Worry

As of today I am 5w6d pregnant.  I am filled with anxiety.  Everyday I wake up with the same thought--'you are going to lose this baby, too.'  I am scared out of my mind, and I can't think of anything else.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and I am dreading it with all of my heart and soul.  I can't take another loss.  Mentally, it might be the end of me.  I don't feel strong at all right now, just a huge puddle of nerves.  About 4pm yesterday, a nurse from Elwood called me and said that the doctor there would see me for progesterone support, and that I should just come in and pick up some forms to fill out to get an appointment.  I said 'okay' and hung up.  She called at the worst possible time, because I wasn't thinking at all.  The kids had just gotten home from school, I was in the middle of prepping dinner and mediating an argument between two of them.  In my right mind, I might have asked the nurse to send me the papers, or to tell her that I need help RIGHT NOW, because I haven't made it past six weeks in the past three pregnancies.  But I couldn't think.  All I could say was 'okay.'  At this point, I feel like it's too late.  I won't be able to call that office until Monday.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday anyway, so I may as well wait until then to see if my baby is even still alive.  I feel out of hope.  I was so excited when I saw the positive pregnancy test. So hopeful that this baby might make it.  Now I feel like I was only ignoring the inevitable.   This is the heaviest cross I have ever had to carry, and I have to admit--I am not carrying it well at all.

45 minutes later....

So, as I was typing the above passage, my youngest child came running into the living room, throwing up.  It's amazing how caring for your babies makes you forget everything else but just that-caring for your babies.  I cleaned him up, set up a little bed on the couch next to me, cleaned up the puke in the living room, and called into work.  I was supposed to be there at 5am today.  The thing is, Justin is also supposed to work, and my brother was coming over at 730am to watch the kids.  Obviously it would be unfair to leave Matthew to deal with a puking child.  Not that he wouldn't--I know he absolutely would if I asked him to do so, but I also think I need to be here with my child.  So I went from not being able to sleep at 1am because of worry over my unborn baby to not sleeping so I can take care of my youngest living baby.  Not a complaint in the least.  I really needed the extra snuggles that I am getting right now.

Pregnant

I just found out last night that I am pregnant again.  I am thrilled to be mama to another tiny soul, thanks be to God!!  I am trying not to be terrified, trying to offer it all up to God.  Being scared is offensive to Him, and more than anything, I do not want to offend.  My last three babies only made it to 6-7 weeks.  This means that I may not have much time with this baby, but I am going to love it with all my heart and soul -- I do already.  Please, please God, if it is your will, let me have a healthy pregnancy and birth.  I cannot think ahead of today, but I am rejoicing the gift He has given me.  And, if He decides to do so, I will be blessed with a beautiful new baby in August!

The Advent season is now upon us.  Normally, I am ecstatic for this and the Christmas season.  Not so much this year.  Last year, I spent Advent being in the throes of morning sickness.  I was happy to be sick, I thought it meant I would make it through the pregnancy holding a new, healthy baby in July.  Instead, I spent Christmas Day bleeding and bitterly weeping at the impending loss of another child.  I remember on December 27th, wanting so desperately to take the tree down, and pack away all of the decorations in the attic.  I wished for Spring, and warmer weather, so that I could forget the cold season of being excited for new life, and then heartbroken over it.  But, I cannot forget.  I will not forget.  And...I don't want to forget.  But, I cannot deny the reluctance I have in being joyous. I lost a child last December.  I was also pregnant earlier this year, due on December 27th, which also makes it harder.

However, I know that God has a plan.  I have not turned away from Him, in fact I think all of my losses have only increased my love and devotion to Him.  I am blessed beyond measure, and for that, I am thankful.  It is my own humanly feeling of suffering that brings me down.  I rejoice in the Lord, and I know He is carrying me, even in my weakest moments.  It's hard. It SUCKS.  But, this is my cross to bear.  I will carry it.  Thy will be done, O Lord.  Thy will be done.

Ezra Alexander

It was late July 2011 when I felt different.  I wasn't nauseated, but I felt a change within myself.  I was not due to have a period for another week, but I started to suspect that I was pregnant.  I was not surprised at the notion, though we had not "planned" it.  We have never planned any of our children.  We have been open to whatever God wanted for us.  Not to say that there hadn't been times in the past in which we "avoided" because we thought it might not be the best time to conceive another child (ie when Justin was out of work), but even then, ultimately we were open to God's Will.  We never have used NFP or any other "method" for that matter.

On the day I was due to start my period, I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive.  We were elated.  It's always so exciting when you know you have a brand new life inside of you.  We started dreaming of springtime, of April, when our new baby would be born.  We have never had a spring baby, and it was terribly exciting.  Sure, there were "scary" parts to think about, mostly just the fact that I was working full time, and Justin was the stay at home parent.  We worried about him getting a job before the new baby came.  All of those "worries" seem so trivial to me now.  And even then, before I knew what was going to happen, I knew they were trivial.  I've always lived by the saying that God never gives you more than you can handle.  And, as my family has grown, and people raise doubt on "affording" "so many" children, I have grown to love the saying that each baby comes with a loaf of bread under each arm.  It's true.  It will ALWAYS work out.

I immediately had a feeling this baby was a boy, which was almost odd to me because another boy would mean that our girl-boy-girl-boy streak would be broken.  However, I really trusted my gut, and told Justin we were having a boy.  I have always sort of just KNOWN the gender of my babies soon after finding out I was pregnant.  I was not wrong with the four I have on Earth.  I suppose I'll find out if I was right about my babies waiting for me in Heaven when it's my time to meet them.  :)

Friday, August 12th, I woke up spotting.  At first, I didn't pay any attention to it, because we had just had intercourse (twice) the night before.  And, although, in past pregnancies, I haven't spotted every time afterward, there were a couple of times it happened, so I assumed that was why.  I went about my day as usual and didn't worry about it.

Around lunchtime, Justin and I talked about names, secretively away from the children.  I suppose I should mention now that we had not told anyone I was pregnant.  It had been a glorious three weeks since we had found out, and we didn't want to spoil our happy thoughts with the possibility of rude comments about our fifth child.  We also figured that I would soon get morning sickness (which has always started, for me, around the 6th or 7th week) and that would tell everyone the news in itself.  That day we tossed a lot of names around, but we kept coming back to Ezra.  Silas was another.  And we definitely decided on Alexander as a middle name.  All of our children have family names as their middle names, and we decided to name this child after my favorite cousin on the Arnett side.

By afternoon, I started to worry.  The spotting had not stopped.  It hadn't gotten worse, but it was still there.  I laid down on the couch and rested.  I thought that maybe I was overdoing things, so I propped my feet up and did nothing.  By evening, I was panicking.  Still, just spotting, but I knew something was most definitely wrong.  I remember that I did not pray that God saved my baby.  I knew, even as scared as I was, that that almost seemed too selfish.  I prayed fervently that God gave me the strength to accept and bear His Will, what ever that may be.

I went to bed early, and woke up at 4am for work.  I was bleeding.  I sobbed terribly.  I did not know what to do.  How could this have happened?  Why is God so mad at me?  I LOVE MY BABY!!!  Those were the thoughts that raced through my head.

Justin and the kids drove me to the ER.  I had to go in by myself, because Justin had to stay with the kids.  We couldn't get a sitter, because no one even knew I was pregnant (save for two friends whom I had sort of mentioned that I thought I was before I really knew for sure.  I hadn't confirmed it with them.)  I thought for sure once we told certain people in our lives that they would think the miscarriage happened for the best, since we already had four beautiful, healthy children.  I couldn't bear to hear anything negative at that point.

It was terrible being there alone, and I know it was just as hard for Justin to have to send me in alone.  Maybe harder for him.  The doctor examined me.  My cervix was open.  Miscarriage was unstoppable.  They did an ultrasound.  My baby still had a faint heartbeat, but there was nothing they could do.  I was only seven weeks along.

I feel very blessed because the ER doc and nurse were so understanding and sympathetic.  The nurse shared with me that, although she has six living children, she went through three miscarriages in between births. She told me that she knew that not everyone would understand, but she knew what it felt like to love your baby from the moment you know they exist, even if you only have them to hold inside of you for a few weeks.  The doctor shared with me that his wife had recently miscarried -her fifth time.  They had no children at all at home.  My heart breaks for them.

I spent two hours in the ER, and went home.  They said that everything would happen naturally, no drugs or overnight stays required.  That it would be "like a period" and I would physically, be just fine again. They said there was no way they could tell why it happened, but that sometimes there are mismatched chromosomes, and possibly that was why my body spontaneously expelled the baby.

All I could do was cry and hold my four children at home.  We told them what had happened. CHiara nd Zeke cried.  They mourned their sibling, too.

We named him Ezra Alexander.  I will love him forever.  I greatly anticipate holding him again!

Sometimes Ups Outnumber the Downs

What started out as a good day has sort of tumbled into a hard one.  I got up early, fixed the schoolkids' lunches, and woke all the children.  Everyone had breakfast and got ready in a timely manner- yay!  Today is Friday, which means All School Mass at school at 815.  I took the big kids to school, came home, quickly got myself ready, and the little kids and I left the house the same time as Justin.

Mass ended, and I knelt and "said a little something to Jesus" as Chiara says.  As I was beginning to stand back up, one of Chiara's classmate's grandmother came up and said hello.  She is a very sweet lady who has always been very friendly to us, and I just love her.  Then she said to me, "How wonderful!  I didn't know you are expecting a baby!"

I told her that, no, there is no baby.  I am just overweight from the three incompleted pregnancies I have had in the last year.  (Not to mention from physical inactiveness, emotional eating, and a general sense of just not caring.) Of course she felt very bad immediately. She apologized over and over, and hugged me probably ten times.  She told me how much she just loves our family, and she was so sorry.  I told her it was okay, that I am fine.

But then I started to get teary eyed.

I am NOT fine.

I cannot handle an unexpected discussion related to my lost babies.

I managed to get to the van.

And I cried silently the whole way home.

Sometimes I wonder, do I have a sense of peace, or am I just in denial?  Or is it both?  I just wasn't expecting the emotional breakdown I had this morning,which has extended to what is now almost noon.  I haven't had the energy or desire now to do the chores, etc I need to complete because of it.

I need to lose weight.  NOW.  At least then no one would think I was pregnant because I look it.  Then there would be no confusion.

Off to a better day.  It's nice to let the feelings out.

It's been quite awhile since I have posted, though I have much to say.  However...I am lacking time right now!  I can't seem to find time or reason enough to hang out at the computer with the busy-ness of life.

I made it through the first anniversary of my first miscarriage on August 13th.  It wasn't a sad day for me, though it truly was bittersweet.  I thought of my baby, and how he would have been about four months old, had he made it.  I thanked God for the precious few weeks we had him on earth, in my womb.  The only time I will ever hold him in this life.  I am proud to be his mother, and I will always love him.

I also remembered the sorrow I felt that day, one year ago.  The feeling of utter powerlessness.  The incredible shock-sucker punch I felt when it all happened.  How the sun was shining beautifully, and I couldn't help but hate the sun that day when all I felt was a ravaging storm inside. My life changed completely then.  I am the same, but am also a different person now.  there will never be any going back.

And though it's painful, I know that it is God's Will, and I am at peace with that fact.  I thought I didn't take life for granted before, that I didn't take the people I love for granted, but I think I was wrong.  It feels different now.  I feel less stressed and worried about the little details, and I think that is because I more fully understand how very precious life is.  Everyday is different, but for the most part life is just so good.  I would never take back the loss of any baby, as hard as it is.  I am overjoyed at the thought of meeting them again.  And the pain has made me stronger. It's changed me in some ways, but such is life.

Thank you, God, for letting me live my life.